Exploring My Sexual Identity

Blue Collusion Dress 4

So this is fairly personal but here goes.

I've been open about finding women attractive but often as a teenager that was disguised with the term "girl crush". Through conversations with other friends growing up and hearing comments like "oh my god that woman is so stunning" to which I would agree, their next sentence was often "I wish I looked like that" or "I wish I had a boobs like that" which was not what I would be thinking...I would wonder what it would be like to kiss or touch her. My older sister used to hate a few particular songs I'd listen to repeatedly on the music channels but I would pretend I loved the song when in fact I was mainly watching Kelis dance (I was all about that bustier in the Milkshake video haha). As a kid I was very interested in Wendy Peffercorn from Sandlot kids and Cameron Diaz in the Mask. As an adult my celeb crushes vary, Nick Miller is a doll, I've adored Pharrel Williams since I was about 12 (How does he not age?), I love Poussey Washington, Janelle Monae and I fell in love with Julia Roberts quite some time ago. 

I've never found that I put a label on my sexuality before and not really needed to. I've never found my thoughts on my feelings to be problematic in anyway until more recently, particularly after reading this Salty article about a married woman in a hetero relationship realising she's bisexual, in which the writer says:


“Wasn’t everyone inherently attracted to women?”


Which literally speaks to me on such a personal level. Women are beautiful and so I figure most other women found women attractive? Isn't that why we have "girl crushes"?  Seeing the comments on this post and how many women are in heterosexual relationships like me but feel attracted to women and feel confused about whether there is a need to "come out".  Seeing comments from bisexual women talking about how sad it is that there is so much bisexual erasure going on was what got to me a little. So even though I don't feel the need to label myself (partially as it does feel kind of fraudulent coming from a cis woman in a long term hetero relationship) I do feel it is important to open up and not to continue with "just not talking about it". 


Florence Given - Girl Crush

I’m pretty confident in the way that I feel and who I am attracted to. I am someone that is attracted to people that I feel are beautiful inside and out. I find humans attractive and I'm probably bisexual. But what I am not as confident in is how others will perceive it. I'd rather not mention it because I don't want others opinions on the matter. I don’t want questions about how I know I’m bisexual if I’ve been with my boyfriend for 12 years. I don't feel like I need to tell friends and family because if it came up it would just flow naturally because I'm lucky to have a pretty accepting circle. I don't owe an explanation to anyone. But I feel that I do owe it to others in a similar position to me to share this and to encourage you to read the Salty article as it's much more articulate that this rambling post. 

My boyfriend knows I find women attractive and has done for a while but we've never talked about it in terms of a label. We've grown up together, we met when I was 15, he knows me very well. He's used to us walking through the street and me mentioning how beautiful a girl was that just walked past. He's used to me sending him photos of Emily Ratajkowski and others on Instagram. We find some of the same women attractive.


A conversation came up around the latest Love Island season (trashy, problematic show I know but I got sucked in last season) where friends discussed which guy they found the most attractive. I didn't like any of them. But I definitely liked Siânnise, to me she was the most attractive in that villa. Whether it was to do with her physical appearance or her hilarious personality, I'm not 100% sure. Some of these kinds of conversations are where I have realised along the way that not a lot of the women I know find women physically attractive. Making me question the thought process I had growing up, that most people are attracted to women. Apparently not. Apparently I'm queer.

Chelsea Jade
x

PS) If you are relating to this at all, Reddit r/bisexual Coming out is a place of so many similar stories!

Also:

@gabalexa queer enough

Follow @Gabalexa for more of this <3

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